“I know how it feels to wake up F***** up!!… Another day, another struggle….” -Notorious B.I.G.
Everyone goes through trials and tribulations in life. I think they help mold you into the person that you were intended to be, but while in the midst of the the storm that’s near impossible to realize. These trials also can be used to teach and encourage others who are going through a similiar situation or just a tough patch that they’re trying to figure out. I think us a people sometimes make it seem like we “walk on water” and have perfect existence which is only the case if your name’s Jesus and you descended from the heavens….
Things in life change you it could be you lost a loved one, a break up, someone taking advantage of you, family issues whatever but when they hit you never know what effect they’ll really have on you as a person. Alot of people will advise you to “get over it!” but that’s easier said than done and there’s no timetable for the healing of pain. What takes one person a week to heal from may take another years and some may never get over the trauma of something that happened to them in life.
Depression seems like a problem that not many want to admit having dealt with or that they are dealing with it, but it’s real. I personally think I’ve battled with it off and on through different periods of my life but the last time felt like a Mike Tyson blow from his glory days knocking me to the canvas. I heard the count and could have rose to my feet but decided it was easier to stay down. When you shut off your emotions and stay on the canvas you can’t get hit by life’s blows again, can’t be hurt is what you tell yourself. It’s easier just to shut off the world and live in a bubble. But we all know bubbles pop and there’s no way to shut out everything in life. For me day after day, for a long period of time it took all I had just to get outta bed in the morning. I felt no joy at all. Even after rising from bed my day only had short flashes of happiness if I was lucky. I just wanted to survive the day, make it home and lock myself in the house. I didn’t wanna answer the phone, didn’t want visitors, really just wanted to be left alone. But when you’re depressed being left alone is the worst possible scenario. You’re left in the ring with no crowd, no lights, no referee, just you and the 1000 pound monster that is your thoughts going toe to toe blow for blow.
“The most important of life’s battles is the one we fight daily in the silent chambers of the soul.” - David McKay
Day after day I fought the battle of self and day after day I fell battered, beaten, and bloodied onto my stool in the corner only to start again when the bell rang. To be real there were times when I no longer wanted to answer the bell at all anymore. I wanted to wave the white flag, check out, it just seemed easier. Pain and depression can be a BEAST!! I really understand how people commit suicide or snap and hurt someone else. I was there, I lived it, and dealing with that on a daily basis is too much weight for one person to carry alone. I had people around me that legitimately cared but who wants to put all their weight on someone else for a long period of time? Eventually people just withdraw and try to deal with it on their own, but most I’m sure soon find out that they can’t. That the battle within can sometimes feel like Jordan’s Bulls against the local high school team. Without my kids checking on me and just the responsibility of raising them and the love I have for them I’m really not sure if I’d be here to write this right now. Only God knows….
During a conversation with a friend that went through something similiar to me he recommended I try counseling. Coming from him it was a shock, I never thought he’d try or need that. So I went on his word and tried it, most counseled will tell you that minorities in particuliar normally don’t use therapy and if they do they don’t fully commit to it. I think most can agree that we as minorities deal with alot of shat and probably need it more than any other race on the planet. I remember my first session my counselor asked me what made me happy and I had no idea at all. How sad is that for a grown adult to have no idea about something as important as happiness? Everyone’s in such a rush to find a mate and be with someone that we often overlook the most important, vital thing to existence which is ourselves. Without being happy with the person in the mirror there’s NO WAY you can be happy or attribute to someone’s happiness in a relationship. Therapy gives you a complete unbiased opinion and also give you the tools to be a better person in life. You don’t even have to be depressed or have a trauma for it to be beneficial.
One thing I do know is that most triumphs come from trials and that if you don’t share the trial part of it with someone else you don’t know who’s life you could’ve touched. What if being honest about your battle could’ve saved someone that was thinking about suicide? Could’ve pulled someone through a deep depression? There’s no sense of giving this image of perfection to the world when everyone with common sense knows it’s just an image. To me it also makes no sense to come through the darkness of depression, addiction, or whatever else and not offer a hand to someone that could be in the same position. If you went through that period and became a better, stronger, wiser person in the end like I did I believe it’s your right to try and help the next man/woman do the same. Just by admitting to it, talking about it you never know whose life you could touch. From darkness to light’s a journey that sometimes seems never ending, some people don’t make it through. But I know everyone that holds on will become better and a better person in the end. The storm will end and the sun will shine again in your life. How do I know? Because if I didn’t you wouldn’t be reading this now…..
And I’ll leave you with a poem I wrote:
The Dark, the Light
I’ve been to some of the darkest places
Felt some of the saddest things Dealt with the strongest emotions That made me wanna quit being a human being
I fought with the devil
And day after day he won
Had so much love around me
But chose to shut out everyone
I was lost in the matrix
Which in reality was my own mind
A war against myself with evil winning all the time
I know what it feels like to struggle just to get outta bed
To see a bright path lined in gold
But choose the dark one with rocks and broken glass instead
I know a pain so deep
That sleep doesn’t exist
To look in the mirror and instead of a reflection see only mist
Caught in the midst…
Of how the darkness at times feels more comfortable than the light
So you choose to live there
night after night….
Realizing your lost, yet not wanting to be found
Convincing yourself that’s there’s comfort in having no one else around Wondering what you’ve become Feeling numb…
Darkness, depression, dealing with loss and regret
life weighing you down every time you take a step
Struggling just for breath
Sometimes not wanting to breathe at all
A free fall….
To the depths…
But tiny steps….
Paired with enormous prayers
battling your worst fears
The light in the distance can start to seem close
Only thing I can attribute that to is God, growth
And a quest for peace
One day it pays off and you feel His hand reach…
Through the dark Bringing you back to light
Back to life…
Prayers begin again
One in the morning, one at night Suddenly the wrong path starts to feel far less right
That man, that mirror
The image you see
Gradually starts to bring your soul back to life, Back to reality
Where you’re supposed to be
Finally able to see
Finally able to feel
A lust for life again
God, family, friends
The same ones that you shut outside have kicked the door in,
Surrounded by love
What a beautiful thing
Being brought from darkness to light…
And for that im forever humbled and greatful…