This blog is very personal. I’m honestly not even comfortable saying it or putting the story out there. It makes me sad and brings back a lot of horrible memories… But instead of having pride and keeping it in, maybe this will help someone else.
Battered Women are stupid. And I don’t say this from the outside looking in. I say this as a woman who has been battered. I am the face of a battered woman. On facebook I notice many battered women’s groups where women go to talk to each other about their past or current abuse at the hands of a spouse.
For me this is one of the most senseless things I’ve ever seen. I had a boyfriend that whooped my azz for years. The first time he said sorry and that he would never do it again. And of course he did it again. Something rang in my head., My grandmother always said that if a man hits you once he will do it again. That statement is 100% true.
I stayed thinking that love would fix everything and that eventually it would stop. 2 police reports later, a few healed bruises and four broken doors (broken garage door, a kicked in front door, a broken bedroom door and a broken bathroom door) it never stopped. Not only was I hit on and told how stupid and ugly I was, but told how dumb I was. I couldn’t say anything without him saying “shut up” you sound stupid. The weirdest thing to me about the whole thing was looking at someone who was cool one minute and then seemed to turn into the devil of a stranger the very next. How could someone say they love me and hurt me in such a way over and over again. How could he hurt me and watch me cry and not feel bad about it. The man used to tell me that he didn’t lose sleep over it…
Before this time period I used to crack a joke: What Do You Tell a chick with two black eyes? Nothing, you have already told the bish twice… hee hee. And my other favorite line “Eat The Cake Anna Mae”… That movie was no longer funny watching it as a battered woman..
As time went on I began to tell myself how stupid I was being for staying. Sure I left my own house a few times, only to go back a few days or a few weeks later. We didn’t even live together. Yet I was leaving my own house due to the abuse. I started to hate my house. It became a cold place. Like it was possessed with evil spirits. I looked around my house at all my stuff. I had to make some decisions after 4 years of abuse. I had to start cutting down on expenses and saving money to disappear. I didn’t want to have to start all over. I knew it would be hard. My grandmother kept telling me to not worry about my material possessions and that I would be able to get them again.
Eventually I saved up enough money and when he went out of town one day I called a moving company and had all of my stuff moved into storage. I was homeless after that and constantly cried for an entire year. I had lost my heart, my love and my best friend and my house all in the same day. But I had to do it. It was either me or him. Loving him was hurting me. It was causing me intense emotional and physical pain. Loving him had become utterly embarrassing. I woke up and decided that I loved myself more.
Looking at me now a person would be clueless as to what I’ve gone through. I don’t look battered. I don’t look like I have or have had a problem in the world. I slowly started to repair my life and get back on my feet again. So no, I don’t think people should run to these support groups and cry and whine. I think they should just accept that they were stupid and in love at the time and forgive themselves for their transgression and get over it. Get some understanding so that you will never endure it again. Move on and stop playing that sad azz song.
I don’t always say it, but a lot of non celebrity issues that I talk about on this blog are due to personal experience. I don’t say things from an uninformed frame of mind. I’ve always been good at understanding how other people feel. After all this was said and done. I had to go and review with myself through research how this happened to me. It’s a slow process of breaking you down, that person breaks you down so much that you are no longer whole which enables them to continue the abuse. ( I could go deeper into why this happened to me but I would have to write a book) The point is that I went and found myself some understanding about ME.
My life is completely different now. I’m so loved and cherished by people that it sometimes amazes me.. My swag is super high. I know my self worth. I can now say with conviction that it would NEVER happen to me again. I know my value now and I don’t take no shorts. Like I always say, If you don’t like your life, change your iTunes playlist.
In the Middle of That Relationship I found myself listening to this song a lot: Shouts Out To Tiara Harris who Is In The Video.
This was my favorite song two months before I left him after I had started to pull away and hang out with people who treated me better.
This is my favorite song now
I even be running around talking about:
Men actually run the world, but I do however run my small world..
I am not insensitive to battered women. Nor do I think they should all be strong like me. I do however feel like they should all have some pride about themselves and seek to find themselves again.
So if feeling sorry for yourself isn’t enough to make you leave, start telling yourself how stupid you are. If you are a smart, strong woman the last thing you want to feel is stupid.. That will force you to leave. Either way, please excuse me for not feeling sorry for you and for feeling like you disgust me for labeling yourself as a battered women.. Cause surely you can find better words and attributes to define yourself.
This lady JuJu Mama was the place I found in my research that lead me to healing. She talks about many things, some you may like, some you may not like, but one thing she is for sure is a expert at teaching you how to heal and taking responsibility for what happens in your life.
55 Comments
Let it go, you came with a sentiment that wasn't that well thought out.
poor Kissy.happy your living more postitve .is there a such thing as a battered husband?
I don't know where my comment went but seriously you may have been a battered women but you don't speak for or even understand all of us. Calling a women stupid because she choose to use a support system is insensitive. Seems like from a lot of things you have said on your page that you are a great person but your heart is so damn cold. That's not always a good thing. Some women can move or respond to "I'm stupid for staying"; some women need to hear "you're better than this" or something else positive. What worked for you won't work for all and it damn sure doesn't make them stupid for choosing a different route
I understand what you are saying if a woman is being abused and looking for a pity party. its totally different for women who leave. I love all your blogs ms Kissy you have very much inspired me since I have became a fan of your group..And you have Inspired to love myself and be healthy. Thank you ever so kindly
I suggest that you consider that each case is different. Let not one bad apple spoil the whole bunch. For some women love hides a multitude of sins. Lust on the other hand is blind, therefore, alot of the women can not make intelligent decisions.
Life is a process of continuous learning..we all in the process become a better person for going thru ssome pain..
Some of them eitha too scared to leave or SO Mentally Manipulated by the COWARD the fear That they No longer even know which way is UP!
Not all are stupid. I found That there are SHITTT Load more Un-diagnosed Fools out here than we know about!! Lol
The Coward *THEY* fear
Some women stay with their abusive boyfriends hoping they would change but the thing is not everyone is willingly to change if they want change then they have to be that change not their down-n-out abusive boyfriend. It's moving on with your life.
beautifully said awsum i hope some women read that and take the first step to a new beginning like your grama said dont wory about stuff you will get it back.
Tiara Harris Is SO PHUCHIN FINE!!!!!!!!!!! (It don't make no sense) I can't keep doing all these push-ups dang!!!!!!! Sumbodee give her a PHAT pill……………..IJS!!!!!!!
Maybe you were stupid in your personal case but all cases are different. Just because YOU were stupid does not mean that every battered woman is stupid! You are pathetic for this one! I feel bad for you!
I have never been battered because I wouldn‘t allow it. However, some women feel unworthy, be it rape, child molestation, being physically abused by their parents etc. You don‘t have to feel sorry for someone to have compassion. I only pray that these women find their self worth sooner than fatally later.
I knew there was an angle to kissy! Now that you have been honest i will leave you alone lol
Smdh……… no comment
No woman runs around looking for a pity party! Everyone has their breaking point. It doesn't matter what you say to a battered woman or how you try to help her. she has to be ready to help herself. It's just like when a man or woman cheats why do you go back?? Exactly It's the same I can say those women are or men are stupid but I Don't!! Yeah when you are released from the evil that binds you It is more then easy to say I Don't feel sorry but look at it like this would if it was your mother,Grandma,or daughter would they be stupid?? Or would you try to seek the help they need?? It's just like being an alcoholic or drug addict if they are not ready to stop or leave your words and love fall on deaf ears!! I am happy That you and I have left that part of our life in the past, Pity is a harsh word when you were beat someone had pity for you and I! So now you are not walking in those shoes,passing judgment is something you should know Don't feel good!
@ Dana Lee i so agree with your entire comment! I was a battered woman and my support group was awesome! Having that support , hearing the stories and seeing some of the pictures after the beatings helped me get it together! Kissy i am not "stupid" i am a woman who was afraid, who got out of a domestic violence sitiuation because of the "groups" that you see as " the pitty party"…. Smh how can you be so judgemental of other wemons situation? Your no different from us!
I needed to make corrections of some words. sorry
I feel you Kissy…It was brave of you to reveal all of that… I would tell those that are offended by how she says what she says..You know that's how Kissy gets down…She's raw like that, even when she's coming at the dudes with advise…What makes her coming at women with advise any different..She's giving advise the way she does it…RESPECT it..She didn't have to say anything..
I Have Never Been Battered Because I Too Will Not Allow It Either… But, My Heart Does Go Out To The Women & Men Who Are Battered & Organizations Are Definitely Need To Assist Them Back To A Healthy State of Mind.
No. Thank You Black Coffy, I'm glad that I inspire someone and at least one person can understand what I'm saying. That is good enough for me… You are that one person for me.
lol…i made them for you in my mind as i read it
*advice*
Maybe this will inspire these women who seem to combine love with pain to get the hell out, or protect themselves.
There's a big difference between compassion and pity. Some people just forget about what it is like to get one over the other once they are out of it
Maybe the pity party groups will help that battered women realize how much power she really have….my opinion is simple don't call her "a stupid battered women" cause seeks support, I mean Kissey girl you know this you just wanted some controversy and if you whee strong enough to flee the abuse every women is different just like every man….Remember this we are all Gods masterpieces…and is a masterpiece the same design? think about it " I'll wait"
W/out finding out the necesssary details, stay apart from 1 another, and chalked that up as a learning experience. If U do decide to come clean, assault charges would apply. 9-5-11
I applaud you for getting out Kissy. I know that was the hardest part. At leaqst you didn't have any kids with him and were able to make a clean break. I don't know how some women drop their kids off with an abuser, I know by law some have to, but it must be hard. I digress. I'm going to go tell a couple of friends to read this.
Kissy what u said was cold but at the end of the day its true! I have seen battered women get away and go back… Some are truly trapped others thrive on it and the elite fight back! Some when give up way too much power way too much!
If a man hit you one time you are suppose to leave. Not stay with the man.
@Theodore Watts ~ Yes, That's Why I Included Men In My Comment.
@ kissy no direspect, no women is stupid or need a pitty party, I really understand Your blog but I dont agree with stupid or pity party, sometimes abuse damage women tht thy have seek out help, because a lot of people say I would never be In abusive relationship until it happen never say never sometimes thy never show the signs..I was In for a year & never been in one before I could of called my peeps he could of been dealt with but out of fear I stayed but smarting up fast I told myself I'm worth more & I did not want to end up dead but I seek council & God more..because he damage me bad dnt want to get into details ..but my point every women is different some stronger & some not.
Good for you..but how you dealt with it and overcame it is rare..most people need support and just like your blog without support you would have no following. I'm just saying..I get pissed when people would offer their sympathy..I didn't need that nor will I ever. I am not a victim but a victor..I survived and I wear my badge proudly. I am an example that a lot of women who are in the madness need to see. You are as well..one thing I will say..your controversial post got a lot of attention and it did get people to thinking and talking about it so that's a plus!!
@Kissy ~ Thanks For Sharing But A Battered Woman You Can No Longer Be…
Another post circulating around…
This is for the strong ladies, who have been through a lot in life and survived!!! I am strong because I know weakness, I am compassionate because I have experienced suffering, I am alive because I am a fighter, I am wise because I've been foolish, I can laugh because I have known sadness, I can love because I've known loss. Re-post if your a strong woman who has weathered the storm but still loves to dance in the rain.
After you get hit the first time and stay you are no longer a victim! Your enabling him to continue to beat you by staying! I didn't like spankings when I was a kid so wtf would allow some coward to beat me?! I wish a *bleep* I'd castrate his *bleep*
@Aijalon Mims ~ I Heard You Loud & Clear… The Last Time My Father Beat Me With A Switch At 12 Years Old. I Said To Myself This Will Be The Last Whipping I Will Ever Get & It Stands True Today.
@Natalie Nelson ~ Thank You Because I Need To Share This With A Friend Today…
I totally disagree. Some women are literally trap they hav no one to talk to or help. These men brain wash these women and make them feel lik they the only person who love her, especially if this women grew up witout love, its hard for her to jus escape that life style. If she has been in it for so long
I'd like to make the distinction between battered and beaten.
Beaten: is a physical assault to the body which in time will heal.
Battered: Is trauma to the mind, body & soul. Mental scars rarely heal!
From the description you where beaten (as like a child to correct a behavior) but you spirit remained intact. Which ultimately was your salvation……………IMO (Sorry I read that about you. It bring pain to my heart)
I disagree!!! @Kissy I hope you don't feel stupid for experiencing any kind of abuse. If you feel that you were stupid for someone else abusing you than maybe you want to seek help.
@Leonard Campbell ~ Thank You For Your Explaination But, Beaten & Battered Go HAND in HAND…
Wow wonderful stuff to hear
Powerful and Inspirational Story. I definitely can’t relate, but I know I was almost in a situation like that. But once I saw the red flags, I was out. There was no way I would be the chick with two black eyes.
Thanks for sharing.
Ellie Bou
Get ready for the backlash as the systyrhood gets wind of your post. The truth is politically incorrect. Bonne chance et bien battu.
WOW! I hate to see any Woman in an abusive relationship, but truth is truth, coming from a victim’s perspective. God’s guidance and gift of endurance is a very power thing! Your a survivor, and I hope that a lot of other Women in such relationships take heed to this powerful story.
I hear ya' but what about the 4 years you were going through it? Why couldn't you say the same thing then? I suspect for the same reasons other women stay. Whatever the reasons I don't think calling survivors of abuse "stupid" helps. We need to understand why you and others stayed and what gave you the push to leave; then figure out how to shorten that time line. We also need find a way to stop the punk ass wannabe men from abusing in the first place.
Thanks for sharing your story but remember, it's not everyone's story.
[...] a sad story to write especially after just writing about domestic violence today. Starquinesha Palmer Charged With 1st Degree [...]
Blogs ou should be reading…
[...]Here is a Great Blog You Might Find Interesting that we Encourage You[...]……
Well if we all been following her blog, we should all know that she is not the typical thinker. Which is not bad. What I feel bad about is the way that others are attacking her for opening up to a very sensitive area of her life. While we may not all agree about how she puts her thoughts, isn't this the same reason a lot of us follow her in the first place?
Not only did she apologize or rather warn others on her views earlier in the post, she states that this is how she feels. I was in a "situation" cause it really wasn't a relationship and he had to hit my ass once and I pulled out a gun on him when he tried to find me the next day. People have different ways of dealing with situations like this and others.
Furthermore, when your on your own blog sharing your own experiences, you are entitled to share how you feel. Now I admit, for a lot of folks, they might feel quite offended by the language and tone this post is taking, but there is really no need to rebuttal with more negative posts. Not all people relate to women's (and men cause they get battered too) groups, etc. In other words, what you might feel is the ultimate solution for all is not always the case.
wow-you've inspired me to make some necessary changes in my life Kissy…thank you!
Thanks for sharing this article Kissy, it was very touching. It's really sad to see that women are abused & battered in such a way. No man
Should ever treat a lady like that. Where's the Asshole who did this to her?
Thanks for sharing this article Kissy, it was very touching. It’s really sad to see that women are abused & battered in such a way. No man
Should ever treat a lady like that. Where’s the Asshole who did this to her?
Is this happening to someone you know and love?
Very deep! I’m glad that you were able to gain the strength to leave as well as open up to other women who feel that they CAN’T leave.
I’ve never been in such a relationship, but from the outside looking in, I still understand the mind of women that choose to stay though it’s ridiculous to do so. Hopefully, you’ve woken some women up!