This blog is very personal. I’m honestly not even comfortable saying it or putting the story out there. It makes me sad and brings back a lot of horrible memories… But instead of having pride and keeping it in, maybe this will help someone else.
Battered Women are stupid. And I don’t say this from the outside looking in. I say this as a woman who has been battered. I am the face of a battered woman. On facebook I notice many battered women’s groups where women go to talk to each other about their past or current abuse at the hands of a spouse.
For me this is one of the most senseless things I’ve ever seen. I had a boyfriend that whooped my azz for years. The first time he said sorry and that he would never do it again. And of course he did it again. Something rang in my head., My grandmother always said that if a man hits you once he will do it again. That statement is 100% true.
I stayed thinking that love would fix everything and that eventually it would stop. 2 police reports later, a few healed bruises and four broken doors (broken garage door, a kicked in front door, a broken bedroom door and a broken bathroom door) it never stopped. Not only was I hit on and told how stupid and ugly I was, but told how dumb I was. I couldn’t say anything without him saying “shut up” you sound stupid. The weirdest thing to me about the whole thing was looking at someone who was cool one minute and then seemed to turn into the devil of a stranger the very next. How could someone say they love me and hurt me in such a way over and over again. How could he hurt me and watch me cry and not feel bad about it. The man used to tell me that he didn’t lose sleep over it…
Before this time period I used to crack a joke: What Do You Tell a chick with two black eyes? Nothing, you have already told the bish twice… hee hee. And my other favorite line “Eat The Cake Anna Mae”… That movie was no longer funny watching it as a battered woman..
As time went on I began to tell myself how stupid I was being for staying. Sure I left my own house a few times, only to go back a few days or a few weeks later. We didn’t even live together. Yet I was leaving my own house due to the abuse. I started to hate my house. It became a cold place. Like it was possessed with evil spirits. I looked around my house at all my stuff. I had to make some decisions after 4 years of abuse. I had to start cutting down on expenses and saving money to disappear. I didn’t want to have to start all over. I knew it would be hard. My grandmother kept telling me to not worry about my material possessions and that I would be able to get them again.
Eventually I saved up enough money and when he went out of town one day I called a moving company and had all of my stuff moved into storage. I was homeless after that and constantly cried for an entire year. I had lost my heart, my love and my best friend and my house all in the same day. But I had to do it. It was either me or him. Loving him was hurting me. It was causing me intense emotional and physical pain. Loving him had become utterly embarrassing. I woke up and decided that I loved myself more.
Looking at me now a person would be clueless as to what I’ve gone through. I don’t look battered. I don’t look like I have or have had a problem in the world. I slowly started to repair my life and get back on my feet again. So no, I don’t think people should run to these support groups and cry and whine. I think they should just accept that they were stupid and in love at the time and forgive themselves for their transgression and get over it. Get some understanding so that you will never endure it again. Move on and stop playing that sad azz song.
I don’t always say it, but a lot of non celebrity issues that I talk about on this blog are due to personal experience. I don’t say things from an uninformed frame of mind. I’ve always been good at understanding how other people feel. After all this was said and done. I had to go and review with myself through research how this happened to me. It’s a slow process of breaking you down, that person breaks you down so much that you are no longer whole which enables them to continue the abuse. ( I could go deeper into why this happened to me but I would have to write a book) The point is that I went and found myself some understanding about ME.
My life is completely different now. I’m so loved and cherished by people that it sometimes amazes me.. My swag is super high. I know my self worth. I can now say with conviction that it would NEVER happen to me again. I know my value now and I don’t take no shorts. Like I always say, If you don’t like your life, change your iTunes playlist.
In the Middle of That Relationship I found myself listening to this song a lot: Shouts Out To Tiara Harris who Is In The Video.
This was my favorite song two months before I left him after I had started to pull away and hang out with people who treated me better.
This is my favorite song now
I even be running around talking about:
Men actually run the world, but I do however run my small world..
I am not insensitive to battered women. Nor do I think they should all be strong like me. I do however feel like they should all have some pride about themselves and seek to find themselves again.
So if feeling sorry for yourself isn’t enough to make you leave, start telling yourself how stupid you are. If you are a smart, strong woman the last thing you want to feel is stupid.. That will force you to leave. Either way, please excuse me for not feeling sorry for you and for feeling like you disgust me for labeling yourself as a battered women.. Cause surely you can find better words and attributes to define yourself.
This lady JuJu Mama was the place I found in my research that lead me to healing. She talks about many things, some you may like, some you may not like, but one thing she is for sure is a expert at teaching you how to heal and taking responsibility for what happens in your life.