Sooo from the beginning….i thought god answered my prayers whn I met my dream guy…i was a single parent of two,n ths guy came in n swept us off of our feet….he treatd me like a queen,young in age,but very mature by heart…long story short,we fell deeply n luv,finances were right,everythng was right for us,so we got engaged n decided to hv a child…..i got pregnant n heres where all hell broke loose….
i kept levn him bcz he startd gtn caught up in th streets,now mind u,i never down anyone for doing,what they hv to do to provide for family,n I accepted his hustle bcz thngs got a lil ruff with his job….once he started gtn shot at,robbed n muggd by police,i gave him an ultimatum…either us,or th streets…he promised to neva do it again,but lied n stil did it…..everytime he lied,i kpt levn n takin him bk,seekin th company of other men bcz I was unhappy until I left…..n “he” neva came bk….i was alone with a complicated pregnancy,i fought to kp my bby inside of me,i moved home with my mom n I was in my deepest state of depression….i needed him more thn anythng,i wsnt redy to deal with this alone….
.i wd call,text,try to gt him bk,he brushed me off n treated me like scum under hs shoes….i found out his reason…he found sum1 else….he hurt me so bad….we were on n off with our emotions,we tried getting back,but just couldnt do it….everytime he wanted to make up,i brushed him off…i feel like I pushd,hm into another womans arms….only diff was,she wasnt a woman at all….he ended up findn a rebound,19yo lesbian,who spoiled him rotten,he claimed he ddnt luv her,he ws jus using her until…..she ended up pregnant…so here it is…i hv a belly n,so does she….we hvnt even bn apart for three months,hell our engagemnt was stil fresh…..my heart was destroyed….six months later,im still depressd ova it,they r stil togthr,n I am lonely raising a third child alone again….ths hurts more thn anythng….
i hv so much hatred n my heart,so much anger towards hm tht it hurts,i treat him bad whn I c or talk to him bcz I could neva find it in my heart to forgv….i pray n ask for forgvness everyday,n I still hate him…but im stil in luv with him..??? Everyday I look at my new bby,i become so dwn,tht I jus,breakdwn n tears bcz I feel like its my fault mommy n,daddy arent togthr….ths hurts bad!! Whn eva we do hv a,decent convo,he talks,abt how he still thnk abt us,n how thngs shudnt b how they are,n I brush him off,again,bcz I dont,wan hear it….i sed to him,if u really wanted us,to b,togthr again,nuthn shud hv,stopd u,nothing….his response,it was alredy too late for me to hurt any1,we found out,she was pregnant!……
im still hurting…idk wht to do,im tryn so hard to b nice,its so hard…..we always fuss via text,its gotten so bad,we dont do the phone anymore,but in person,we laff,we play n joke aroun,even becm affectionate a bit,u wd never know we werent togther…..its a luv hate thng….i feel like I need to b selfish n kp my child away,but I cant….just th thought of,his new “girl” friend,even bein aroun my new bby,mks me angry….simply because shes immature n tried,startn,trouble with me….i gave him,his first lil girl….n shes due to gv him,his second lil girl in october…..im confused…idk wht to do or how to feel,my,emotions are up n dwn…i dnt,want to continue hating him,but its,hard,im really trying….
God shud at least gv me,a gold sticker for trying…..im bitter towards other men bcz I dnt wan anyone else but him,i still break dwn frm time to time,n I hv everythng goin good,for me….now his life is really a living hell bcz its all catching up to him….hes really miserable,but she stays by his side…im jealous,im miserable,im lonely,i luv him,n I hate him….im just confused….im really confused……(sorry if this is,all over the place,im doing,this,from my phone)
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